Arthur Aron's 36 questions: why they bring people closer and what we did differently

You've probably come across 36 questions that supposedly make people fall in love online. They're known as “Arthur Aron's 36 questions”, “36 questions to fall in love” or “36 questions to build closeness”.

The original idea was actually a little different. Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues investigated whether a relatively short conversation could create a sense of interpersonal closeness between two people. Participants took turns answering questions that gradually became more personal. The conversation took about 45 minutes and did lead to a greater sense of closeness than ordinary small talk.

We really like that principle of gradual, mutual self-disclosure. But we wouldn't use all 36 questions in a row on a date.

Those 36 Aron questions

Briefly paraphrased in our own words, the original set looks roughly like this:

1. Of everyone in the world, who would you invite to dinner?
2. Would you like to be famous, and what for?
3. Do you rehearse important phone calls beforehand?
4. What does your perfect day look like?
5. When did you last sing to yourself or someone else?
6. What would you choose in old age: a young mind or a young body?
7. Do you have a hunch about how your life will end?
8. What are three things the two of you have in common?
9. What in your life are you especially grateful for?
10. What would you change about the way you were raised?
11. Tell your life story in a few minutes.
12. What new quality or ability would you like to have?
13. What would you most like to know about your future?
14. What have you dreamed of doing for a long time, and why haven't you done it yet?
15. Which achievement are you proudest of?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. Which memory is especially precious to you?
18. Which memory is the most painful for you?
19. How would you change your life if you knew you had one year left?
20. What does true friendship mean to you?
21. What place do love and intimacy have in your life?
22. Name a few qualities you like in your partner.
23. How warm was your family, and how happy was your childhood?
24. What is your relationship with your mother like?
25. Make a few true statements beginning with “we”.
26. What do you wish you could share with someone?
27. What does someone close to you absolutely need to know about you?
28. Tell the person opposite you what you genuinely like about them.
29. Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
30. When did you last cry?
31. Name something else you already like about the other person.
32. What subject is too serious for you to joke about?
33. What would you regret leaving unsaid if today were your last chance to tell anyone?
34. After saving the people and animals, what one thing would you rescue from your burning home?
35. Which relative's death would be hardest for you?
36. Share a personal problem, ask for advice and try to make sense of your feelings together.

The questions are deliberately arranged so the conversation gradually deepens. That's one of the method's central ideas: both people open up at roughly the same time, so the vulnerability isn't one-sided.

Why we didn't just put these 36 questions into the game

Because bringing two people closer and giving them a great date aren't quite the same task.

Some of Aron's questions are wonderful at helping you understand a person. But imagine a first or second date where the conversation moves from your upbringing to your most painful memory, your relationship with your mother, the death of loved ones, your own last year of life and what you'd regret on your deathbed, one after another.

The connection may well get deeper. But the atmosphere can also become too serious and tense.

We wanted a different feeling: for people to have room to open up while still laughing, flirting, moving, playing and feeling that they're on a date, rather than in an in-depth psychological interview.

That's why, at совпали.рф, a deep question almost never stands alone.

Similar questions you'll find at совпали.рф

For example, one of Aron's questions asks you to describe your perfect day. Our game has a similar theme: imagine a day with no responsibilities or restrictions and say what it would be like. But then your partner tries to work something out about you from your answer — so it becomes a game, rather than just another question.

Aron asks you to tell your life story. We have “A Living Legend”: one person tells their story in two minutes, while their partner listens, asks follow-up questions and helps them get genuinely caught up in their own story.

Another card asks which events, encounters or books divided your life into “before” and “after”, then immediately shifts to what matters to you now.

There are very short, deep questions too: “Where do you feel at peace?”, “What don't you joke about?”, “When do you feel alive?” But you only have a few seconds to answer, and it's all part of a game challenge.

Even a conversation about your qualities becomes a little game: you tell a story that shows a quality you're proud of, but you're not allowed to name it — your partner has to guess.

Depth without feeling interrogated

That's the main difference in our approach.

We haven't given up on deep questions. Quite the opposite: the game needs them, because it's hard to get a feel for someone without a real conversation.

But in between come mini-games, humour, guessing, little challenges, music, movement, choices and interaction. In the structure of the game itself, deep trust gradually develops into an emotional connection, and conversation keeps alternating with action.

That creates a different rhythm:

open up → have a laugh → do something together → play a little → open up a little more.

To us, that feels much more like a good date.

Aron's 36 questions are a great experiment in closeness. совпали.рф is our attempt to take that idea of gradually opening up and turn it into a full adventure for two.